Al Madness

Beer and Mila Kunis don't have a chance.

It will surprise most people, but I think Amateur Futurist will be favored in the first round. That might give them the momentum to get all the way to the final.

I'll take canned pie filling for $800, Alex! That is a tough draw having to face Donkey Freedom Burgers right off the bat, though.

I'm going to print this bracket out and store it with my gallon of bleach, since that's easier to store than a gallon of water.

Was a pretty interesting day one of the Al Madness 2013 tournament.

The Ladies Region
College Girls were clearly not hurt from being fallen on so often from Al Bethke, and went on to a dominating win over boyish (AND SOCIALIST FACIST LIBERAL) Ashley Judd.

Slight upset in the other game as Meghan McCain squeezed out a tight win over Danica Patrick. Meghan's latest column on WND proved to be the decisive play of the game. Danica was considered a sleeper favorite for the title after her thrashing of Mila Kunis in the conference tournament.

The Food Region
Boneless Wings eased their way to a huge win over Anything with Bones. Anything with Bones was just trying to be to difficult vs the magical simplicity of processed chicken forced into the shape of a wing.

Horse Meat continued it's hot streak with a comfortable win over Krab. Krab was considered by this author as the only competitor that could give Boneless Wings a run for the money. Horse Meat extended its winning streak to 12 games.

The Media/Entertainment Region
HUGE upset in the opening game in this region. In what was supposed to be a cakewalk, Pajamas media spent the majority of the game complaining about Obama, libs, college education, and elitists; instead of running their offense. These conspiracy theories proved to be fatal as The Onion milked the last 12 seconds of the game, and down by one hit a floater from the lane as the buzzer went off. Pajamas Media is clearly angry and have already filed numerous protests about the "Mainstream MSM Media" that won't tell the truth about really happened. Alex Jones has vowed to get to the bottom of it.

In the other game, James Bond was relatively easily over "No Respect for Bo Ryan". Bond was in control the majority of the game, and frankly both teams wanted to get out of the building alive as numerous protesters were seen carrying signs discussing "The Tree of Libertee(sic) must be refeshd(sic) from tim(sic) to tim(sic) with the blood of patriots and tirants(sic)"

The Miscellaneous Region
Amateur Futurists were shocked by Hyphens in the opening game of the overall tourney early Thursday. Hypens were self-assured and my ex-wife and mayor-elect were on hand to witness the all-inclusive beating.

In the afternoon game, Cheap Couches rolled to an easy victory. In the 2nd half after experiencing stain trouble, they simply flipped the cushions and eased home for the victory.

The remaining round 1 games kick off today, highlighted by Sarah Palin tussling with Mila Kunis and I think I speak for everyone when I say we are all holding our breath in excitement waiting for the tourney debut of Boo Berry after a 7 year absence.

Al Madness 2013

If you don't write for The Onion, you should be.

The first round of Al Madness 2013 is now complete. Let's take a look at how it all fell down. On top of 4 hottie college girls AMIRITE??!?!?!


The Ladies Region
Slight upset in the opener here as Wal Mart Cashiers advance. Unfortunately for all of us however, they advanced only due to Lindsay Lohan didn't show until 2 hours after what was supposed to be the tip off. Then, to make matters worse, she plowed her MB SL550 into a concession stand outside the arena. To add insult to injury this particular stand was selling Easy Lemon Pie made up of boxed angel food cake mix and lemon pie filling - Al's favorite. And, no surprise, even after crashing her car with an ounce of cocaine, Lindsay was not charged with any crime because she looked hot 8 years ago.

After the craziness of the opener, the afternoon game was, as expected, a complete blowout. Sarah Palin got all mavericky on Mila Kunis and ended up in the biggest blowout win in tourney history. When asked in the post game about which team she scouted she replied "All of them". You betcha!

The Food Region
Chalk in the food region led to a less than exciting day of games, but one has to appreciate the efficiency of each team. Boo Berry in their first tourney experience in 7 years showed no visible signs of bugs or mold as the easily defeated beer. I couldn't tell the difference between this Boo Berry team and one that won the championship last year. This amazing performance this year has inspired Franken Berry to announce that they are coming out of retirement as well! Let's hope that they are not stale!

And, rounding out the first round in the food region, Canned Pie Filling persevered and blew out Donkey Burgers. The versatility of Canned Pie Filling was on display as the they had the fans eating straight out of the can.

The Media/Entertainment Region
CASUALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AL SMASH CASUALS!

*breathe Al. just breathe and let's watch America's most patriotic TV Show dedicated to capitalism and the free Markets*

Little bit of a delay to the start of the 2nd game as Al Bethke went on quite the spittle raged rant about Casuals after their win over the Bible. BTW. I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Shark Tank led by Mark Cuban and some other supehero free market loving patriots beat down the soshulizm and fashizm of the old media and their libby loving elitist edjumakated ways.

*MARK CUBAN WON'T LET CASUALS CONTINUE TO RUIN THIS COUNTRY, I FOR ONE AS SHOCKED AND WE ARE IN THE BEST HANDS I TOLD YOU THIS ISN'T THE HOPE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR I DON'T SPEND MONEY ON NO ELITIST FURNITURE**********************

(apologize again for that, Al is very broken up about the win by the casuals. We're all hoping the Rambling wife can get some Krab and James Bond movies to him stat)

The Miscellaneous Region
The opening game of this region today featured Inner Ear problems falling all over Asian Malaria. The game actually featured only 1 score. Inner Ear Problems continued to fall over so often that they ended up injuring every player on Asian Malaria that all they were left with was a small boy from a country no one should ever go to, so why should I give a ^&*# the name of it. The small boy was so emaciated that all he did was lay in a fetal position near the scorer's table trying to fend off vultures. AND I DON'T MEAN THE "INVESTORS" FROM SHARK TANK AMIRITE?!!?! The only basket of the game was scored when the PG from Inner Ear Problems fell down at half court and the ball rocketed out of his arms, bounced once hear the FT line and went in. Say what you will, but this is a dangerous team. I mean, literally, they will hurt you.

The final game of round one featured many's tourney favorite FREE MARKETS. They opened their expected deep penetration with Christian Mingle. FREE MARKETS took Christian Mingle out for a nice seafood dinner and never called them again. FREE MARKETS did have 2 players kicked out for arguing as they were not happy with the refereeing, and complained about the objectivity of them. Again, a bit hypocritical as the referees are really the free market in action and the free markets are never wrong. Quite the bitchy group there at FREE MARKETS.

And that ends the opening round to Al Madness 2013, this week will feature 3 of the 4 top seeds in action as well as the Cinderella story The Onion. Until next time Al fans, STAY CASUAL!

May you live in interesting times...

(ellipsis are the new hyphen)

What's the trophy for Al Madness? The Schadenboner trophy or a Crisco sculpture?

I know you're excited but let's not be presumptuous.

I must have had a handy!

Servicing yourself does not count as a handy.

Stop choking that chicken!!

Poor