Saints @ Packers: Packers 34 Saints 31: Packers win in an exciting game with many major contributions made by undrafted players that made the final roster. The biggest surprise contributor, however, is Bill Huebner, a hotdog vender who Ted Thompson spots during the first quarter, signs to a contract and has Coach McCarthy put on the defensive line in the fourth quarter.
Falcons @ Bears: Bears 17 Falcons 13: Bears win a defensive struggle and are greatly helped when 4 members of the Falcon offense, including QB Matt Ryan and top wide-out Roddy White, are swallowed by a sink hole in the Soldier Field turf early in the second quarter.
Bengals @ Browns: Browns 21 Bengals 18: Browns win this match-up of the second and third best professional teams in Ohio. The best and highest paid professional team in Ohio defeated the University of Akron 41 to 14.
Bills @ Chiefs: Bills 24 Chiefs 14: In a surprise upset the Bills knock off a tired looking Chiefs team. The Chiefs’ chances at a comeback take a serious blow in the 4th quarter when head coach Todd Haley’s head explodes while yelling at a ball boy.
Eagles @ Rams: Rams 35 Eagles 0: You cannot design an offense to stop Michael Vick. Unfortunately for the Eagles Michael Vick and most of the offense did not show up for this game as the starting time conflicted with the scheduled shooting of the new “Eagles Dream Shuffle” video.
Lions @ Buccaneers: Lions 17 Buccaneers 14: Lions win a close game as the Buccaneers final drive is stopped when Lion defensive tackle, Ndomican Suh, picks up the entire 11 players on the field for the Bucs and body slams them causing 3 separated shoulders, 6 concussions, 2 knee injuries and a neck strain. No penalty is assessed on the play.
Titans @ Jaguars: Jaguars 23 Titans 7: In a stunning development the Titans have running back Chris Johnson carry the ball on every single offensive play. The Jaguars adjust in the second half and are able to stop the Titans offense. After the game, the Titans reveal that Johnson, who held out this preseason to become the highest paid running back in the NFL, had signed a contract that contained many other “highest” clauses. Johnson, who now wears number 924, is guaranteed by the new contract to have the most carries in NFL history. Johnson tried to address the contract in a post game interview but because of recent surgery to ensure that he has the highest voice of all NFL running backs no one could hear a word he said. Many local dogs did bark uncontrollably during the interview.
Steelers @ Ravens:Steelers 20 Ravens 19: Steelers win the game on a last minute drive to score the winning TD. Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlesberger comments after the game that last minute drives like that are automatic for the Steelers......as long as Clay Matthews and Tramon Williams are not on the other team.
Colts @ Texans: Texans 24 Colts 21: The Colts just hired Jim Tressel to be their replay coordinator. This move backfires on the Colts as Tressel is aware of possible replays but fails to inform Head Coach Jim Caldwell in a timely manner. In a related story, Peyton Manning was seen sporting a brand new barbwire tattoo around his right bicep.
Giants @ Redskins: Giants 23 Redskins 14: The game is interrupted for 35 minutes in the second half when a flash mob suddenly appears in the crowd and performs “Move on down the Road” from the musical The Wiz. Of note here is that Redskin coach Mike Shannahan is a member of the flash mob.
Seahawks @ 49ers: Seahawks 3 49ers 0: In a desperate move to rewrite history the 49ers force quarterback Alex Smith to have his name legally changed to Aaron Rodgers. The Seahawks follow suit by having quarterback Tarvaris Jackson change his name to Unsigned FreeAgent.
Vikings @ Chargers: Chargers 30 Vikings 10: Things go poorly for the Vikings right from the start as, after the opening kickoff, Donovan McNabb, Christian Ponder, Joe Webb and Brett Favre all take the field as starting quarterback.
Panthers @ Cardinals: Cardinals 31 Panthers 13: I really can’t say much about this game. Due to lack of interest, I spent the time I should have used coming up with a prediction for this game playing Angry Birds.
Cowboys @ Jets: Cowboys 20 Jets 13: Jets coach, Rex Ryan, predicts an undefeated season for his team during the pre-game interview and a 15-1 season during the post-game interview.
Patriots @ Dolphins: Patriots 30 Dolphins 20: Rumors that Chad Ocho Cinco does not fully understand the Patriots complicated offense are verified when lines up facing the wrong direction many times in the first half. However, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick performs a Vulcan mind meld during halftime and instills a complete understand of the offense and quantum physics into Ocho Cinco.
Raiders @ Broncos: Raiders 20 Broncos 13: Even though he did not play due to suspension Tyrel Pryor makes news when he announces that he is going to change his number for 6 to 5. Pryor explains the change by stating that he wanted to change his jersey number to something bigger than his Wonderlic score of 7.
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