Week 3
Texans @ Saints: Saints 26 Texans 13: Texan running back Arian Foster says part of the reason he has been unable to recover from a nagging hamstring injury is that he has to spend so much time taking phone calls from neo-nazi groups and explaining to them that he is not part of the master race.
Giants @ Eagles: Eagles 24 Giants 10: The Eagles released a transcript of Michael Vick’s independent concussion test:
Doctor: Ok, Michael, lets run a little tests. What is 100-7?
Michael: 93
Doctor: What is 93-7?
Michael: 86
Doctor: What is 86-7?
Michael: 79
Doctor: What is 79-7?
Michael: 72
Doctor: OK, everything seems fine
Michael: What do you mean, fine? That’s better than I could do before I got hit
Jaguars @ Panthers: Jaguars 30 Panthers 24: Cam Newton passes of 425 yards as the Panther’s lose again. Newton says after the game “I know we are 0-3 and all, but I am going to be an icon and entertain fantasy football players this season.”
Patriots @ Bills: Patriots 30 Bills 20: With the Bills leading 20 to 7 late in the third quarter, Bill Belichick runs over the opposite sideline and announces “We are the Patriots...You are the Bills”, Unfortunately, many Bill players respond “Oh, yeah”
Dolphins @ Browns: Dolphins 23 Browns 14: Dolphin players reveal after the game that they played better because it felt good to actually play in a nice city with good weather and lots of pretty girls.
49ers @ Bengals: 49ers 21 Bengals 13: After two Bengal players were accused of having 6 pounds of marijuana delivered to their home the Bengals explained that it was just part of their quest to become the Iowa of the NFL.
Broncos @ Titans: Titans 28 Tebows 14: It is discovered after the game that the Denver franchise’s decision to change the team name is not enough to placate some irrational fans.
Lions @ Vikings: Lions 40 Vikings 3: Viking coach Leslie Frazier is ecstatic after the game, telling the press “Hey, I’m just glad we finally played consistently for four quarters.”
Ravens @ Rams: Ravens 40 Rams 13: Ravens really rampage rams. Rout ranks really rare regarding regular rates. Rams resolve return to resplendent record.
Jets @ Raiders: Jets 38 Raiders 35: After leading the whole game the Raiders lose on a late 4th down TD pass to an uncovered receiver. I know this won’t happen, but after missing the chance to make this prediction last week I’m hoping that a few weeks down the line people will forget which week I predicted this and then I can claim I made this prediction for week 2.
Chiefs @ Chargers: Chargers 45 Chiefs 3: Chief coach Todd Haley coaches the entire game through a beaver puppet on his arm.
Cardinals @ Seahawks: Cardinals 24 Seahawks 10: Seahawk quarterback Travarus Jackson blames his early difficulties on the fact that Brett Favre refused to mentor him when he was young.
Falcons @ Buccaneers: Buccaneers 48 Falcons 21: After the game, Falcon owner Arthur Blank announces that Home Depot has traded most of its stores and future sales items to Menard’s for another power tool display area.
Packers @ Bears: Packers 24 Bears 10: During the broadcast of this game, FOX sports shows headlines from papers stating the Cutler is not a leader, Nick Collins has had his neck removed, Bigfoot is sited in Appleton and Dewey wins.
Steelers @ Colts: Steelers 30 Colts 8: With Peyton Manning’s injury, it is revealed that Kerry Collins has also taken over Manning’s commercial shoots. In a related note Direct TV disclosed that it has lost 3 million dollars the last three weeks and the Oreo cookie company filed for bankruptcy.
Redskins @ Cowboys: Cowboys 24 Redskins 17: Head coach Jason Garrett, of the Cowboys, makes a brilliant coaching move to guarantee this victory. After hearing that Redskin cornerback DeAngelo Hall plans on hitting Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo “where ever he's hurts”, Garrett released an injury report listing every single Cowboy as having a groin injury.
