This is best read imagining the voice of John Madden...
If John Madden changed professions:
Obstetrician
Dr. Madden: If you're gonna have a baby, and you are having a baby, then this is the place to have that baby, because a lot of babies have been born here and this is the place because everyone here knows a lot about babies. You won't find a better place to have a baby than here. We got baby this and baby that. Heck we even got that baby wallpaper - you know with the little yellow, blue and pink building blocks and rattles and ribbons and stuff. I don't know that babies even look at that kind of stuff. I guess somebody thought they do look at that kind of stuff and that's why it's up there, on the walls. So if the baby does see it, then I guess they must like it. Heck, they must like it because you see the same kind of baby wallpaper in a lot of places that deal with this sorta thing.
Mother: Dr. Madden, I'm concerned about the delivery.
Dr. Madden: Hey, you're a big 'ol mother who's popped a few right up through there and ya get a veteran mother like yourself and Boom! it's all over before ya know it. And that's what I like about havin' a big 'ol mother cuz ya know they got the snot bubbling out of the nose and the sweat drippin' down and ya got some screamin', but I'll tell ya they know what it takes and that's what ya gotta have. Mothers like you don't need all that breathing stuff and books and all that. Ya just walk in, plop your big 'ol hips down on that table and let her fly, and that's what it's all about.
And the baby...if there's a problem we got this big 'ol clamp and ya know it kinda goes on the kid's head like an old pair of pliers that maybe have been in the garage or at your workbench or wherever ya keep those things, and the clamp goes on the baby's head and then we pull and you push, so ya got the pullin' and the pushin' goin on and the screamin' and the snot and sweat and the baby, he doesn't know what's goin' on and the big 'ol dad's out there pacing and the meter is running and I'll tell ya, it doesn't get any better than that.
Mother: How long will we have to stay until we can go home after the delivery?
Dr. Madden: The mother decides that. The doctor decides that and the mother, both decide that, and the baby doesn't know. He just came through that screamin’ and sweatin' and snot bubblin' delivery and heck he's probably wondering what just happened. He's got some of the after-birth on him and that cord that looks like a chin strap made out of a wet cigar, and somebody's scrubbin' him and wrappin' him up in a little 'ol bundle of blankets and then ya got the breast feedin' thing going on. And ya know, if ya wanna have a baby, and if a baby wants to be a baby and all that, then this right here is what that 9 months is all about.
Mother: You're freakin' me out.
Dr. Madden: Yeah and freakin' out is part of it. I mean, ya gotta freak a little cuz that's part of it. I had mothers who freaked a little and that's ok cuz ya gotta be off a little to get through this kinda thing and I'll tell ya something, and a veteran mother like yourself knows this...you've worked 5 minutes plus 9 months to get to this and this is what it's all about, and so ya freak a little now, and then you'll go through a rebuilding year, and freak again. And heck, there's no place I'd sooner be than with a freakin' mother who can deliver cuz deliverin' on time with all the screamin' and sweat and.....